I was wondering a lot about that topic lately. I had such a "nightmarish" January - and it seemed or seems that the best resolution to change it is to escape.
I failed like all of my exams - and I have to repeat 2 of my lessons - which on based 3 more. There was no hot water for 1-2 weeks, and we live in a mess since 3 weeks (like we were moving). I got all of my university exams and my OKJ course exams at the same time.
With all of my failed exams I feel like I am such a stupid loser. You know the feeling when everybody knew you like one of the bests and then you just fall? Like your passed years were lies. I have always known that I am not as "clever" or as a good student as everybody thought. I couldn't prove it - I have always sounded like a typical geek "No I didn't learn. And then I got a 5". Well for now... It has changed. I feel like a real idiot who knows nothing. I had no success in the last year - final exams, remember?!... I hate what I am doing.
I had several "fights" with my boss too. I get up at 4 am two times and week, and I spare newspaper for 2 hours in the cold.
I have no social life. And how it turned out - I couldn't even get one. I am not that "social person". I like talking or having fun - but I don't like partying! I know it's so awkward... :( But that's who I am.
I like baking or dreaming - and share my dreams! I like playing tablegames (I hope this is the good word), and I like having fun -but not partying. I like watching movies and commenting it together! I like walking..
I don't know I am such a boring person. I mean I am a fun person in my head. My fantasy is like a whole new world! :D But it's not real. And it is not good to have a life in my "fantasy"... But I just can't be someone like I would want to be. I like that I can dream, and my dreams are big. There are a few things that I love in myself - but these are the things that I hate at the same time..
I feel guilty when I am happy...
I want to change but something stops me. I don't want to be someoneelse. I mean.. okay I am confusing! I just want to be "accepted"...
I can't imagine that someone could love me -as a friend or as a girlfriend (well, it seems I will never have anybody who can love me that way...)...
I know it's a complaining and confusing post again... But I just repeat these thoughts in my head again and again.
Once my friend found the resolution for my problem. If I had a "boyfriend" who loves me, maybe I would feel safe and I could really do find myself. It seems like a stupid excuse -but it makes sense. And well, it's getting really awkward and scary not to have any "experience" with love life (means everything - being loved etc) I feel like I am a "waste product"...
In my mind everything is okay, and I am so hopeful! I have plans, that I want to make come true. I have dreams that I want to share! But I can't. No one believes in fairytales. It's like I just stucked in my childhood or something... Like they have seen me as a little girl. And who wants a little girl??? (As a friend or as a lover)
It has no end. That's why I want to go abroad for a year. To find myself. And I feel like there is nothing in Hungary that can help me, or makes me want to stay. (I mean living away from my mom would be the worst thing ever. That's the only thing that holds me back and will hold me back. I have 2 best friends - but I think we could speak anyway and they could visit me!!!)
And honestly I feel guilty to complaining about things like that, when there are people out there who have no house or who are starving. But we all know, your problem seems the biggest.
"I wish I had a prince to save me :) " Or just a small miracle.
I hope no one read this who knows me....
bisous n.
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